A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back