I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet