awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today