This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
this has done me in for some reason
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.