[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
😂😂
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”