drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Mission: Impossible
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.