Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
You Might Also Like
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.