Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok letâs get you home
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question Iâm giving you a wedgie
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Become a minion. Get that bread.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Iâm only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My optometrist: Well, itâs normal as you age forâŚ
I donât know what he said after that.đ
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try âcolandersâ. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experienceđ
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I feel like movies exaggerate menâs enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure Iâd probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
You know youâve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks âwhat timeâs your train?â
2022 be like
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.