*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”