Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-