Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
this could fix me
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
#MeanwhileInCanada
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.