Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.