Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
all bases covered
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.