Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
You Might Also Like
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Velcrow
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you