Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]