wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?