Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I am crying