nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Bless you
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Remember folks 😂