WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
It’s a gift
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
me hooking up with my ex
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy