Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Can’t. Being lazy.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Look at this
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)