Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.