I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*