[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified