I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I hope this email punches you square in the face