[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
felt that
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”