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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
good for her
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!