Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems