I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
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The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.