to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
finally
Oh my god
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?