When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?