I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.