[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
i smell a pulitzer
I thought this was funny lol
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’