i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
You Might Also Like
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies