My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
You Might Also Like
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon