I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
United Steaks of America
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous