Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.