Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.