I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.