*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
You Might Also Like
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
For anyone who needs this today
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.