To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
me after drinking all the wine:
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you