To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
You Might Also Like
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
some Old Testament wisdom
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.