ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito