angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science