[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
You Might Also Like
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
no
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
That’s classic.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*3.5 thank you very much.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.