I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.