i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Erm I’m gonna say no
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
he was correct
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.