Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
You Might Also Like
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail