when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
2023 was just a warmup