A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Social Media and Real life
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Breaking news:
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants