Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.